Wise Thais

Al sent along this (undated) Reuters news story:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- A fruity cocktail may not only be fun to drink but may count as health food, U.S. and Thai researchers say.

Adding ethanol -- the type of alcohol found in rum, vodka, tequila and other spirits -- boosted the antioxidant nutrients in strawberries and blackberries, the researchers found.

Any colored fruit might be made even more healthful with the addition of a splash of alcohol, they report in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture.

Dr. Korakot Chanjirakul and colleagues at Kasetsart University in Thailand and scientists at the U.S. Department of Agriculture stumbled upon their finding unexpectedly.

They were exploring ways to help keep strawberries fresh during storage. Treating the berries with alcohol increased in antioxidant capacity and free radical scavenging activity, they found.

Any colored fruit or vegetable is rich in antioxidants, which are chemicals that can cancel out the cell-damaging effects of compounds called free radicals.

Berries, for instance, contain compounds known as polyphenols and anthocyanins. People who eat more of these fruits and vegetables have a documented lower risk of cancer, heart disease and some neurological diseases.

The study did not address whether adding a little cocktail umbrella enhanced the effects.

The 50-State Slammers

Traditionally, the drinks required by Qanimaliqpunga have included an Alabama Slammer. Many participants have complained about the sickly sweet taste of the AL-Slam, but I maintain that it is actually one of the tastiest of the state "slammers." As proof, I offer you recipes for several of the other state slammers.

• Alabama: Hiram Walker Amaretto, Southern Comfort, sloe gin and orange juice.
• New Jersey: Toxic Superfund Waste Sight Sludge, Tomato Schnapps, and Gin.
• New York State: A Hot Cup of "Go F#ck Yourself" Served up in a I Y NY Mug.
• Pennsylvania: An oddly pizza-flavored drink made from peppar vodka, tomato bisque, and hot Italian sausage.
• Minnesota: Ranch dressing and brandy served in a frosted mug.
• Texas: Sour Cream, Hot Sauce, and vodka warmed over a campfire.
• Alaska: Beer, smoked salmon, and weed.
• Washington: Fermented rain, ennui.
• Florida: Orange juice, metamucil, and sweet vermouth garnished with the tooth of a saltwater mammal.
• Utah: Salt water, brine shrip, and caffeine free diet Shasta.
• California: Wheatgrass, Sunkist and Pinot Grigio dashed with saline solution and served in a gelatin sac. Doubles as a colonic.
• Michigan: Extreme Cherry Vodka, motor oil, and game sausage personally bow-hunted by Ted Nugent.
• Wisconsin: A Brandy Old Fashioned. Serve with a fish fry.
• Illinois: Vodka, Old Style Beer, and Cheez Whiz garnished with Mike Ditka's Moustache Tonic.
  
  Other Resources:
  
• The 50-State Quarters
• Lyrics to The 50 States Song by Sufjan Stevens. Find an .mp3 if you can!
• A 50 State Strategy for the Democratic Party
• Hero Citizen Can Name All 50 States

Cocktail of the Week

While not a cocktail in the traditional sense, our first of April concoction does qualify as a pharmaceutical cocktail...

Keith Richards' Dad

The Q'punga Cocktail of the Week for
April 1- April 7 , 2007!

In comments from this week, Keith Richards claimed to have mixed some of his father's ashes with cocaine and then snorted them. Said Keef: "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared ... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive." That Keith Richards is one crazy zombie-pirate, I tell you what.

I guess I have been wondering what he's been up to since the Rolling Stones broke up back in 1982, after Tattoo You. (Or should have.)

At any rate, here's how to make a Keith Richards' Dad:

1. Obtain some cocaine. I honestly have no idea how you would do this. If you know any investment bankers or theme park carnies or Richard Dawson, I would start there.
2. Find the urn containing the remaining, um, remains of Keith Richards' dad. In this case, I would look either in the galley of Keith's fantasy pirate airship or possibly somewhere within Anita Pallenberg.
3. Mix the cocaine with the residue that once was Bert Richards.
4. Snort?

In the same AP news article, Keef calls himself "lucky." He says -- presumably though some sort of Richards to English interpreter -- "I was No. 1 on the `who's likely to die' list for 10 years. I mean, I was really disappointed when I fell off the list." That wasn't a list you fell out of, Keef, it was a f*cking coconut tree.

For those who'd like to see what Keith Richards looks like today, pull up some of the pictures of "sour toes" and imagine them wearing a vest.

Here's a list of people whose fathers might be smokeable:

• Rae Dawn Chong (daughter of Tommy)
• Stella McCartney (daughter of Paul)
• Sean Lennon (son of John)
• Clyde Burroughs (son of William S.)
• Kenny S. Thompson (son of Hunter S.)
• Trip Leary (son of Timothy)
• Sherry Garcia (daughter of Jerry)
• Carmine Dawson (son of Richard)

Further Resources:

• Kurt Schwantz will smoke anything!
• Area Stoners Mistakenly Hold Massive Kemp Rally!
• Ask Keith

Qanimaliqpunga 2007: Nobody Barfed!

It has now been a full week since Qanimaliqpunga 2007 came to its end, which means the statute of limitations* is up on both hangovers and any claim of psychological distress. Here's some snapshots of the event:

Mick (regarding the Mai Tai): "I literally gagged on my first sip. I had to choke it back."
Brian (regarding the Hawaiian): "I just had a Mick." The Hawaiian, I should point out, combines pineapple juice with sour mix.

Sex on the Beach, much like actual sex on the beach, starts out seeming like a good idea but is rather awkward and ends too quickly. I had a Sex on the Beach as my sixth drink on Friday night, and spent the rest of the night picking sand out of my crotch. My tears were due to my vulnerability.

Unknown woman at the next table, pointing to the doodles next to the French Lemonade (#18) on my scorecard: "You liked that one. Look, you drew a heart..." Me: "That's one of those valentine hearts with phrases on them. It says 'U SUK.'"

The 2007 Q'Pungie Awards

Winners: Audrey and Kirsten, who once again had nothing to do with the entire weekend.

Sergeant-at-Arm's Length and Grand Marshall High Muckety-Muck: Robin, who supervised the entire event, keeping the emergency first aid kit of adrenalin and pork sausage at the ready, and at least having the intention of being designated driver. Robin is also our Resident Archivist.

The Scooter Libby Step-Into-the-Pitch Award: Unmarried but Anonymous, who decided not to sleep with our server because he didn't want to risk having to give up the bar. She wasn't asking, but it's important to have contingency plans nonetheless.

The Jim Jones "It's Only a Little Kool-Aid" Award: Our spectators -- Tom, Dylan & Melissa, Joel & Erin, Jane & Susan, Matt & Amy, Doomer, John, Ken, and Chris. Really, friends, the water's fine.

Friends and Fellow Travellers, please post your memories of Q'Punga 07!

** Note that this not a "statue" of limitations. When the founders of Qanimaliqpunga are given their full federal due, some years hence, its entirely possible that a grateful nation will erect a "statue of limitations."

Cocktail of the Week

We'll round out our first month with this perennial favorite from Qanimaliqpunga....

The Mai Tai

The Q'punga Cocktail of the Week for
March 25 - March31 , 2007!

I will bet that somewhere on this big blue marble, a confident girl-drinkin' man can order himself a really nice Mai Tai. Somewhere.

Unfortunately, the place where I have thrice been forced to drink a Mai Tai is not a place where one gets a really nice Mai Tai. Nothing against Hooligan's, a Superbar I adore, but until I did a web search for pictures of Mai Tais, I was under the impression that Mai Tais were the color of a brackish purple-grey bruise.

The Mai Tai (recipes will follow) actually doesn't sound that bad, and looks particularly good in the photo above: golden, with some duskiness towards the bottom of the nicely curvy glass, almost peachlike, almost sexy. In fact, the drink's name translates in Tahiti to "Very Good!" In Hooligan's, I'm afraid, the name means "Particularly Awful, Especially Considering How Expensive It Must Be!"

Strangely enough, the drink isn't actually Tahitian at all, having been invented at one of two rival Los Angeles Polynesian-themed restaurants. The Mai Tai, then, is another one of those things that isn't actually what it is typically thought to be (please consult table 1.a below).

Table 1.a

What It Is	What It's Thought To Be	What It Actually Is
Mai Tai	Hawaiian	Californian Mercantile
Corned Beef and Cabbage	Irish	Jewish/Irish American
Irony	Coincidence	Cosmic Discordance
Greenland	Greenland	Iceland
The Police	Punk	Pop, sometimes Ska
Headcheese	Cheese	You'd Rather Not Know
Jim Morrison	Mystical	Dead Hippy

Important Links

• Mai Tai Recipes That Might Be Good
• Buy mouthwash online!

Nectar!

So another Qanimaliqpunga has come and gone, and with it went the last vestiges of anything that might reasonably be referred to as "dignity."

Schnarsky finished first just before 6pm, ending with a Brandy Alexander and a Grasshopper, which is the Q'punga version of what the NFL calls "Excessive Celebration." You may spike the ball, you may dance the Dirty Bird, you may leap into the stands; one needen't do all three.

Your author finished just before 7pm, and Al finished shortly thereafter. As of this writing, I am uncertain as to whether Mick finished.

As we are still in the rescue and recovery phase of post-Q'punga operations, I will hold off on the official recap until all bodies have been found and identified, or until I find my notes, whichever happens first.

Useful Phrases

As I'm unable to find the Inukituk phrasebook I used at this time last year, I will instead offer some phrases from Inupiaq -- a separate but related language used by native Alaskans. You'll find these phrases and related audio cues here. Note also that the Inuit and other native languages often require special fonts to reproduce, so the terms below may not be 100% accurate. Your transliteration may vary.

Piksrablafatuq qapsitaamik/sukamik? May I have some sugar?
Ixuga savalbuitchuq. I have indigestion.
Arii nakasuga! My bladder hurts!
Tifuga nakuufitchuq. My liver is not well.
Qanuq sumun ixikpan nufieeiaqpa? When does it end?

Coming Soon: Q'Punga recaps, 2007 Qpungie Awards, the 50-State Slammers, and plans for 2008.

A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead

Happy Q'punga, everyone!

See you at 6pm.

Cocktail of the Week

Our third cocktail of the week is a personal trip back to Des Moines, IA, in the declining years of our cherished 1980's...

The Flaming Dr. Pepper

The Q'punga Cocktail of the Week for
March 18-24, 2007!

In the "Skills and Certifications" section of his resume, Al reports that one of things he's really good at is filling a small glass with liquor, dropping that glass into a larger glass also filled with liquor, and then drinking them both as fast as he can. (Note to Employers: he also lists himself as "proficient" in Microsoft Office and "familiar" with fax machines, for whatever that's worth.)

Anyway, the Flaming Dr. Pepper shot takes the shot-dropped-into-a-beer formula up "another coupla notches," as Emeril might say. In fact, it's kind of the Turducken of the basement bar. Here, you have a mug of beer, into which you drop a smaller glass of amaretto, into which you have previously dropped a shot glass of 151-proof rum, which itself has been LIT on FIRE.

When executed correctly, the warmed rum mixes with the beer and amaretto (and all the frathouse chugging) to create a taste sensation oddly similar to that of a lukewarm can of Dr. Pepper soda. In fact, if you ever have a particular craving for Dr. Pepper soda but aren't able to attain one -- if you are in the middle stretch of the Iditarod, say, or in an Apollo LEM orbiting the moon -- the flaming version would make a handy substitute.

This is a drink that takes four hands to do correctly: one hand to hold the mug of beer, another to hold the glass of amaretto, a third to hold (and then drop) the shot of 151, and a fourth to light a plastic lighter and touch it to the 151. It's a drink that would be difficult to drink alone, and so it therefore fosters community and brings families together. It is the drink of peace.

Except, of course, when your knuckle-dragging college buddies spill the 151 all over your hands just prior to lighting the shot, causing a pretty blue flame to spread from the limn of the shot glass to the back of one's hands, spreading to one's arm hair and ultimately to the small bits of lint on one's sweater, causing ultimately one's entire torso up to the neck to be covered in a roving (if fairly harmless) blue flame, in which case the Flaming Dr. Pepper stops being the drink of peace and starts to become the drink of "Are you trying to f*cking kill me?"

The Flaming Pep was introduced to me by graduate students in the Engineering Department of Drake University in late 1988. It is an acceptable accompaniment to the following records: Appetite for Destruction, ...And Justice For All, Vivid.

For more information:

• Critical reviews of cut-rate Dr. Peppers.


• Home burn remedies.


• Lando Dr. Pepper interviews One-Man Star Wars. This is what I love about the internets -- you can type in "Dr. Pepper" into You Tube and happen across a film stolen from your own subconscious.

2007: Scorecard Revealed!

THIS WEEKEND!!!!
Beginning March 23rd at 6pm, and continuing on Saturday with Sunday an outside possibility, you have before you the task of the third annual Qanimaliqpunga. Feel free to click on the scorecard image below and print for your convenience during this weekend's events. Some have suggested that you laminate your scorecard and bring along a hole puncher, but most of us have done fine with a tattered paper copy and a shared pen.

The Specialty Drink Canon (14)

• Alabama Slammer Hiram Walker Amaretto, Southern Comfort, sloe gin and orange juice.


• Bomb Pop Stoli Razberi Vodka with lemonade and cranberry juice.


• Hooli-Cane Three types of rum, Hiram Walker Triple Sec, Southern Comfort, and four varieties of juices.


• KiKi Colada Key Lime Rum with pineapple juice and coconut milk.


• The Fresh Mango Colada Malibu Mango Rum blended with pineapple juice, coconut milk and fresh sliced mango


• Bahama Mama Captain Morgan, Myer’s Dark Rum, Bacardi Rum, orange juice and coconut milk


• French Lemonade Stolichnaya Vodka, Chambord and lemonade.


• Pina Colada Malibu Coconut Rum, coconut milk and pineapple juice


• The Polynesian Malibu Mango Rum, Midori Melon Liqueur, vodka, triple sec, sour mix and pineapple juice.


• Sex On The Beach Hiram Walker Peach Schnapps, vodka and Chambord with orange and cranberry juices.


• Strawberry or Raspberry Daiquiri


• The Hawaiian Stoli Vodka, Malibu Pineapple Rum, gin tequila, triple sec, sour mix and pineapple juice.


• Margarita blended


• Mai Tai Hiram Walker Triple Sec, light rum, Myer’s Dark Rum, sweet & sour, grenadine and pineapple juice.

Wildcards (6) chosen from among the following

Iced Teas and Specialty
Long Beach Tea
Raspberry Iced Tea
Long Island Tea
Malibu Breeze
Strawberry Margarita
Raspberry Margarita
Mojito

Ice Cream Drinks
Chocolate Orgasm
Godiva Chocolate Berry
After Dinner Mint
Brandy Alexander
Grasshopper
Funky Monkey
Berry Pleasure
Frozen Turtle

Hot Drinks
Jamaican Coffee
Keoki Coffee
Nutty Irishman
Royal Mug
Hot Spiced Cider
Myer’s & Cider
Hot Buttered Rum
Almond Jordan
Peppermint Patty
Chocolate Covered Cherry
Hot Turtle
Irish Coffee
J.F.K. Special

Martinis
Bloody Martini
Pink Panther Martini
Chocolate Martini
Cosmopolitan
Melon Ball Martini
Dirty Girl Scout
Mocha Martini
Razzmatini
Hot & Dirty Martini
Apple Martini
French Kiss
Oh So Nutty Martini
Sweet & Tart Martini

Cocktail of the Week

Our second Cocktail of the Week appears in honor of my two fellow finishers from the 2006 Q'pungies and their respective hatred for the human foot...

The Sour-Toe Cocktail

The Q'punga Cocktail of the Week for
March 11-17, 2007!

The Sour-Toe Cocktail is the specialty of the house at the Downtown Hotel in Dawson City, Yukon Territory. In its original form, the cocktail was comprised of two elements:

1. A beer mug filled with champagne, and
2. The frost-bitten and pickled big toe of a 1920's rum runner and bootlegger.

This first toe, introduced in 1973, was accidentally swallowed the toe while finishing off his thirteenth (and record-breaking) Sour-Toe Cocktail. Luckily (or sadly, depending on perspective), other actual toes were donated to the bar where they have been dehydrated and preserved in salt so that the tradition may continue. There's a fascinating history of all eight sour toes offered here.

The Cocktail no longer requires champagne, but is made to the drinker's choice. The Sour-Toe Cocktail Club reports, "The Sourtoe can be had with any drink now (even ones that aren't alcoholic), but one rule remains the same. The drinker's lips must touch the toe. 'You can drink it fast, you can drink it slow-- But the lips have gotta touch the toe.'"

For more information:

• The Downtown Hotel in Dawson City, Yukon
• The Sour-Toe Cocktail Club
• If you liked your lunch and want to keep it, do not under any circumstances type the phrase "Sour-Toe" into a Google Image Search. You've been warned.