Wise Thais

Al sent along this (undated) Reuters news story:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- A fruity cocktail may not only be fun to drink but may count as health food, U.S. and Thai researchers say.

Adding ethanol -- the type of alcohol found in rum, vodka, tequila and other spirits -- boosted the antioxidant nutrients in strawberries and blackberries, the researchers found.

Any colored fruit might be made even more healthful with the addition of a splash of alcohol, they report in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture.

Dr. Korakot Chanjirakul and colleagues at Kasetsart University in Thailand and scientists at the U.S. Department of Agriculture stumbled upon their finding unexpectedly.

They were exploring ways to help keep strawberries fresh during storage. Treating the berries with alcohol increased in antioxidant capacity and free radical scavenging activity, they found.

Any colored fruit or vegetable is rich in antioxidants, which are chemicals that can cancel out the cell-damaging effects of compounds called free radicals.

Berries, for instance, contain compounds known as polyphenols and anthocyanins. People who eat more of these fruits and vegetables have a documented lower risk of cancer, heart disease and some neurological diseases.

The study did not address whether adding a little cocktail umbrella enhanced the effects.

The 50-State Slammers

Traditionally, the drinks required by Qanimaliqpunga have included an Alabama Slammer. Many participants have complained about the sickly sweet taste of the AL-Slam, but I maintain that it is actually one of the tastiest of the state "slammers." As proof, I offer you recipes for several of the other state slammers.

• Alabama: Hiram Walker Amaretto, Southern Comfort, sloe gin and orange juice.
• New Jersey: Toxic Superfund Waste Sight Sludge, Tomato Schnapps, and Gin.
• New York State: A Hot Cup of "Go F#ck Yourself" Served up in a I Y NY Mug.
• Pennsylvania: An oddly pizza-flavored drink made from peppar vodka, tomato bisque, and hot Italian sausage.
• Minnesota: Ranch dressing and brandy served in a frosted mug.
• Texas: Sour Cream, Hot Sauce, and vodka warmed over a campfire.
• Alaska: Beer, smoked salmon, and weed.
• Washington: Fermented rain, ennui.
• Florida: Orange juice, metamucil, and sweet vermouth garnished with the tooth of a saltwater mammal.
• Utah: Salt water, brine shrip, and caffeine free diet Shasta.
• California: Wheatgrass, Sunkist and Pinot Grigio dashed with saline solution and served in a gelatin sac. Doubles as a colonic.
• Michigan: Extreme Cherry Vodka, motor oil, and game sausage personally bow-hunted by Ted Nugent.
• Wisconsin: A Brandy Old Fashioned. Serve with a fish fry.
• Illinois: Vodka, Old Style Beer, and Cheez Whiz garnished with Mike Ditka's Moustache Tonic.
  
  Other Resources:
  
• The 50-State Quarters
• Lyrics to The 50 States Song by Sufjan Stevens. Find an .mp3 if you can!
• A 50 State Strategy for the Democratic Party
• Hero Citizen Can Name All 50 States

Cocktail of the Week

While not a cocktail in the traditional sense, our first of April concoction does qualify as a pharmaceutical cocktail...

Keith Richards' Dad

The Q'punga Cocktail of the Week for
April 1- April 7 , 2007!

In comments from this week, Keith Richards claimed to have mixed some of his father's ashes with cocaine and then snorted them. Said Keef: "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared ... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive." That Keith Richards is one crazy zombie-pirate, I tell you what.

I guess I have been wondering what he's been up to since the Rolling Stones broke up back in 1982, after Tattoo You. (Or should have.)

At any rate, here's how to make a Keith Richards' Dad:

1. Obtain some cocaine. I honestly have no idea how you would do this. If you know any investment bankers or theme park carnies or Richard Dawson, I would start there.
2. Find the urn containing the remaining, um, remains of Keith Richards' dad. In this case, I would look either in the galley of Keith's fantasy pirate airship or possibly somewhere within Anita Pallenberg.
3. Mix the cocaine with the residue that once was Bert Richards.
4. Snort?

In the same AP news article, Keef calls himself "lucky." He says -- presumably though some sort of Richards to English interpreter -- "I was No. 1 on the `who's likely to die' list for 10 years. I mean, I was really disappointed when I fell off the list." That wasn't a list you fell out of, Keef, it was a f*cking coconut tree.

For those who'd like to see what Keith Richards looks like today, pull up some of the pictures of "sour toes" and imagine them wearing a vest.

Here's a list of people whose fathers might be smokeable:

• Rae Dawn Chong (daughter of Tommy)
• Stella McCartney (daughter of Paul)
• Sean Lennon (son of John)
• Clyde Burroughs (son of William S.)
• Kenny S. Thompson (son of Hunter S.)
• Trip Leary (son of Timothy)
• Sherry Garcia (daughter of Jerry)
• Carmine Dawson (son of Richard)

Further Resources:

• Kurt Schwantz will smoke anything!
• Area Stoners Mistakenly Hold Massive Kemp Rally!
• Ask Keith

Qanimaliqpunga 2007: Nobody Barfed!

It has now been a full week since Qanimaliqpunga 2007 came to its end, which means the statute of limitations* is up on both hangovers and any claim of psychological distress. Here's some snapshots of the event:

Mick (regarding the Mai Tai): "I literally gagged on my first sip. I had to choke it back."
Brian (regarding the Hawaiian): "I just had a Mick." The Hawaiian, I should point out, combines pineapple juice with sour mix.

Sex on the Beach, much like actual sex on the beach, starts out seeming like a good idea but is rather awkward and ends too quickly. I had a Sex on the Beach as my sixth drink on Friday night, and spent the rest of the night picking sand out of my crotch. My tears were due to my vulnerability.

Unknown woman at the next table, pointing to the doodles next to the French Lemonade (#18) on my scorecard: "You liked that one. Look, you drew a heart..." Me: "That's one of those valentine hearts with phrases on them. It says 'U SUK.'"

The 2007 Q'Pungie Awards

Winners: Audrey and Kirsten, who once again had nothing to do with the entire weekend.

Sergeant-at-Arm's Length and Grand Marshall High Muckety-Muck: Robin, who supervised the entire event, keeping the emergency first aid kit of adrenalin and pork sausage at the ready, and at least having the intention of being designated driver. Robin is also our Resident Archivist.

The Scooter Libby Step-Into-the-Pitch Award: Unmarried but Anonymous, who decided not to sleep with our server because he didn't want to risk having to give up the bar. She wasn't asking, but it's important to have contingency plans nonetheless.

The Jim Jones "It's Only a Little Kool-Aid" Award: Our spectators -- Tom, Dylan & Melissa, Joel & Erin, Jane & Susan, Matt & Amy, Doomer, John, Ken, and Chris. Really, friends, the water's fine.

Friends and Fellow Travellers, please post your memories of Q'Punga 07!

** Note that this not a "statue" of limitations. When the founders of Qanimaliqpunga are given their full federal due, some years hence, its entirely possible that a grateful nation will erect a "statue of limitations."