Cocktail of the Week

We'll round out our first month with this perennial favorite from Qanimaliqpunga....

The Mai Tai

The Q'punga Cocktail of the Week for
March 25 - March31 , 2007!

I will bet that somewhere on this big blue marble, a confident girl-drinkin' man can order himself a really nice Mai Tai. Somewhere.

Unfortunately, the place where I have thrice been forced to drink a Mai Tai is not a place where one gets a really nice Mai Tai. Nothing against Hooligan's, a Superbar I adore, but until I did a web search for pictures of Mai Tais, I was under the impression that Mai Tais were the color of a brackish purple-grey bruise.

The Mai Tai (recipes will follow) actually doesn't sound that bad, and looks particularly good in the photo above: golden, with some duskiness towards the bottom of the nicely curvy glass, almost peachlike, almost sexy. In fact, the drink's name translates in Tahiti to "Very Good!" In Hooligan's, I'm afraid, the name means "Particularly Awful, Especially Considering How Expensive It Must Be!"

Strangely enough, the drink isn't actually Tahitian at all, having been invented at one of two rival Los Angeles Polynesian-themed restaurants. The Mai Tai, then, is another one of those things that isn't actually what it is typically thought to be (please consult table 1.a below).

Table 1.a

What It Is	What It's Thought To Be	What It Actually Is
Mai Tai	Hawaiian	Californian Mercantile
Corned Beef and Cabbage	Irish	Jewish/Irish American
Irony	Coincidence	Cosmic Discordance
Greenland	Greenland	Iceland
The Police	Punk	Pop, sometimes Ska
Headcheese	Cheese	You'd Rather Not Know
Jim Morrison	Mystical	Dead Hippy

Important Links

• Mai Tai Recipes That Might Be Good
• Buy mouthwash online!

Nectar!

So another Qanimaliqpunga has come and gone, and with it went the last vestiges of anything that might reasonably be referred to as "dignity."

Schnarsky finished first just before 6pm, ending with a Brandy Alexander and a Grasshopper, which is the Q'punga version of what the NFL calls "Excessive Celebration." You may spike the ball, you may dance the Dirty Bird, you may leap into the stands; one needen't do all three.

Your author finished just before 7pm, and Al finished shortly thereafter. As of this writing, I am uncertain as to whether Mick finished.

As we are still in the rescue and recovery phase of post-Q'punga operations, I will hold off on the official recap until all bodies have been found and identified, or until I find my notes, whichever happens first.

Useful Phrases

As I'm unable to find the Inukituk phrasebook I used at this time last year, I will instead offer some phrases from Inupiaq -- a separate but related language used by native Alaskans. You'll find these phrases and related audio cues here. Note also that the Inuit and other native languages often require special fonts to reproduce, so the terms below may not be 100% accurate. Your transliteration may vary.

Piksrablafatuq qapsitaamik/sukamik? May I have some sugar?
Ixuga savalbuitchuq. I have indigestion.
Arii nakasuga! My bladder hurts!
Tifuga nakuufitchuq. My liver is not well.
Qanuq sumun ixikpan nufieeiaqpa? When does it end?

Coming Soon: Q'Punga recaps, 2007 Qpungie Awards, the 50-State Slammers, and plans for 2008.

A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead

Happy Q'punga, everyone!

See you at 6pm.

Cocktail of the Week

Our third cocktail of the week is a personal trip back to Des Moines, IA, in the declining years of our cherished 1980's...

The Flaming Dr. Pepper

The Q'punga Cocktail of the Week for
March 18-24, 2007!

In the "Skills and Certifications" section of his resume, Al reports that one of things he's really good at is filling a small glass with liquor, dropping that glass into a larger glass also filled with liquor, and then drinking them both as fast as he can. (Note to Employers: he also lists himself as "proficient" in Microsoft Office and "familiar" with fax machines, for whatever that's worth.)

Anyway, the Flaming Dr. Pepper shot takes the shot-dropped-into-a-beer formula up "another coupla notches," as Emeril might say. In fact, it's kind of the Turducken of the basement bar. Here, you have a mug of beer, into which you drop a smaller glass of amaretto, into which you have previously dropped a shot glass of 151-proof rum, which itself has been LIT on FIRE.

When executed correctly, the warmed rum mixes with the beer and amaretto (and all the frathouse chugging) to create a taste sensation oddly similar to that of a lukewarm can of Dr. Pepper soda. In fact, if you ever have a particular craving for Dr. Pepper soda but aren't able to attain one -- if you are in the middle stretch of the Iditarod, say, or in an Apollo LEM orbiting the moon -- the flaming version would make a handy substitute.

This is a drink that takes four hands to do correctly: one hand to hold the mug of beer, another to hold the glass of amaretto, a third to hold (and then drop) the shot of 151, and a fourth to light a plastic lighter and touch it to the 151. It's a drink that would be difficult to drink alone, and so it therefore fosters community and brings families together. It is the drink of peace.

Except, of course, when your knuckle-dragging college buddies spill the 151 all over your hands just prior to lighting the shot, causing a pretty blue flame to spread from the limn of the shot glass to the back of one's hands, spreading to one's arm hair and ultimately to the small bits of lint on one's sweater, causing ultimately one's entire torso up to the neck to be covered in a roving (if fairly harmless) blue flame, in which case the Flaming Dr. Pepper stops being the drink of peace and starts to become the drink of "Are you trying to f*cking kill me?"

The Flaming Pep was introduced to me by graduate students in the Engineering Department of Drake University in late 1988. It is an acceptable accompaniment to the following records: Appetite for Destruction, ...And Justice For All, Vivid.

For more information:

• Critical reviews of cut-rate Dr. Peppers.


• Home burn remedies.


• Lando Dr. Pepper interviews One-Man Star Wars. This is what I love about the internets -- you can type in "Dr. Pepper" into You Tube and happen across a film stolen from your own subconscious.

2007: Scorecard Revealed!

THIS WEEKEND!!!!
Beginning March 23rd at 6pm, and continuing on Saturday with Sunday an outside possibility, you have before you the task of the third annual Qanimaliqpunga. Feel free to click on the scorecard image below and print for your convenience during this weekend's events. Some have suggested that you laminate your scorecard and bring along a hole puncher, but most of us have done fine with a tattered paper copy and a shared pen.

The Specialty Drink Canon (14)

• Alabama Slammer Hiram Walker Amaretto, Southern Comfort, sloe gin and orange juice.


• Bomb Pop Stoli Razberi Vodka with lemonade and cranberry juice.


• Hooli-Cane Three types of rum, Hiram Walker Triple Sec, Southern Comfort, and four varieties of juices.


• KiKi Colada Key Lime Rum with pineapple juice and coconut milk.


• The Fresh Mango Colada Malibu Mango Rum blended with pineapple juice, coconut milk and fresh sliced mango


• Bahama Mama Captain Morgan, Myer’s Dark Rum, Bacardi Rum, orange juice and coconut milk


• French Lemonade Stolichnaya Vodka, Chambord and lemonade.


• Pina Colada Malibu Coconut Rum, coconut milk and pineapple juice


• The Polynesian Malibu Mango Rum, Midori Melon Liqueur, vodka, triple sec, sour mix and pineapple juice.


• Sex On The Beach Hiram Walker Peach Schnapps, vodka and Chambord with orange and cranberry juices.


• Strawberry or Raspberry Daiquiri


• The Hawaiian Stoli Vodka, Malibu Pineapple Rum, gin tequila, triple sec, sour mix and pineapple juice.


• Margarita blended


• Mai Tai Hiram Walker Triple Sec, light rum, Myer’s Dark Rum, sweet & sour, grenadine and pineapple juice.

Wildcards (6) chosen from among the following

Iced Teas and Specialty
Long Beach Tea
Raspberry Iced Tea
Long Island Tea
Malibu Breeze
Strawberry Margarita
Raspberry Margarita
Mojito

Ice Cream Drinks
Chocolate Orgasm
Godiva Chocolate Berry
After Dinner Mint
Brandy Alexander
Grasshopper
Funky Monkey
Berry Pleasure
Frozen Turtle

Hot Drinks
Jamaican Coffee
Keoki Coffee
Nutty Irishman
Royal Mug
Hot Spiced Cider
Myer’s & Cider
Hot Buttered Rum
Almond Jordan
Peppermint Patty
Chocolate Covered Cherry
Hot Turtle
Irish Coffee
J.F.K. Special

Martinis
Bloody Martini
Pink Panther Martini
Chocolate Martini
Cosmopolitan
Melon Ball Martini
Dirty Girl Scout
Mocha Martini
Razzmatini
Hot & Dirty Martini
Apple Martini
French Kiss
Oh So Nutty Martini
Sweet & Tart Martini

Cocktail of the Week

Our second Cocktail of the Week appears in honor of my two fellow finishers from the 2006 Q'pungies and their respective hatred for the human foot...

The Sour-Toe Cocktail

The Q'punga Cocktail of the Week for
March 11-17, 2007!

The Sour-Toe Cocktail is the specialty of the house at the Downtown Hotel in Dawson City, Yukon Territory. In its original form, the cocktail was comprised of two elements:

1. A beer mug filled with champagne, and
2. The frost-bitten and pickled big toe of a 1920's rum runner and bootlegger.

This first toe, introduced in 1973, was accidentally swallowed the toe while finishing off his thirteenth (and record-breaking) Sour-Toe Cocktail. Luckily (or sadly, depending on perspective), other actual toes were donated to the bar where they have been dehydrated and preserved in salt so that the tradition may continue. There's a fascinating history of all eight sour toes offered here.

The Cocktail no longer requires champagne, but is made to the drinker's choice. The Sour-Toe Cocktail Club reports, "The Sourtoe can be had with any drink now (even ones that aren't alcoholic), but one rule remains the same. The drinker's lips must touch the toe. 'You can drink it fast, you can drink it slow-- But the lips have gotta touch the toe.'"

For more information:

• The Downtown Hotel in Dawson City, Yukon
• The Sour-Toe Cocktail Club
• If you liked your lunch and want to keep it, do not under any circumstances type the phrase "Sour-Toe" into a Google Image Search. You've been warned.

Lend Me Ten Pounds And I'll Buy You A Drink

Side One

• "Alcohol," The Kinks
• "There Stands The Glass," Webb Pierce
• "Anytime Anyplace Anywhere," Carter USM
• "Drunken Hearted Man," Robert Johnson
• "Somebody Put Something In My Drink," The Ramones
• "Happy Hour," The Housemartins
• "Tubthumping," Chumbawumba
• "Deportee," Elvis Costello
• "Wasted," Camper Van Beethoven
• "Drinking and Driving," Black Flag
• "Whiskey In The Jar," Metallica
• "The Power of Positive Drinking," Lou Reed
• "Baby, I'm Drunk," The Reverend Horton Heat

Side Two

• "Rudie Can't Fail," The Clash
• "Beer For Breakfast," The Replacements
• "Chug-A-Lug," Roger Miller
• "Tequila," The Champs
• "Brass Monkey," The Beastie Boys
• "The Sick Bed of Cuchulainn," The Pogues
• "Moonshiner," Uncle Tupelo
• "Bad Liver and a Broken Heart," Tom Waits
• "The Bottle Let Me Down," Merle Haggard
• "Too Drunk To F*ck," Nouvelle Vague
• "Cocktails," Robbie Fulks
• "Old Red Eyes Is Back," The Beautiful South
• "One For My Baby," Frank Sinatra
• "Down Where The Drunkards Roll," Richard Thompson

And, parenthetically...

• "What's Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made A Loser Out Of Me)," Jerry Lee Lewis
• "What's the Use of Getting Sober (When You're Gonna Get Drunk Again)," Louis Jordan
• "Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' (With Lovin' On Your Mind)," Lorretta Lynn
• "Why Can't We All Get A Longneck?" Hank Williams, Jr.

Notes

1. Certain songs were left out for reasons of strategy, flow and/or fairness. For example, I left off the song "Here Comes A Regular" by the Replacements because its a bit too wistful for soundtrack purposes and because there were other 'Mats options.

2. Other songs were replaced for similar reasons. For example, the Camper cover of Black Flag's "Wasted" is serviceable, and sneakily allows for Black Flag to show up twice. Similarly, the Brazilian samba band Nouvelle Vague's version of the Dead Kennedy's "Too Drunk to F*ck" fits well between the countripolitan sounds of Haggard and Fulks.

3. This list has intentionally omitted certain songs, such as those by Jimmy Buffet or the Doors, which I just plain don't like.

Two Tickets to Paradise

So pack your bags and leave tonight!

Some people say "wino," but we say "wine-yes!"

Spongeworthy

Paul Simms has discovered that Microsoft Word (real name Microsfot Wrod) would like to replace "qpunga," which it claims to not recognize, with the word "sponge." Once again, this shows Word's blatant attempt to distance themselves from the competitve drinking fo girl drinks in general and Qanimaliqpunga specifically. Yet can Word explain -- or suggest an alternative to -- the following photograph taken at last year's event?

Drunken Paperclip Sex

Okay, it's not so much a photograph as something Robin doodled on a bar napkin, but even so, here stands incontravertible proof that Microsoft Word knows full-well what "qpunga" is all about.

Spiders!

Al submits this video from You Tube.

Not shown, however, is the Spider on a girl drink binge. That spider, I would submit, would combine the elements of the caffeine spider and the crack cocaine spider.

That's right -- it would cap it's OWN ass.

Cocktail Of The Week

For this inaugural edition of Cocktail of the Week, the editor has chosen from among thousands of options...

PRUNO

The Q'punga Cocktail of the Week for
March 4-10, 2007!

This pentitentiary favorite can be made with the following ingredients, all available from your area comissary.

• Several apples or oranges
• A can of fruit cocktail
• About 50 sugarcubes
• A few packages of ketchup

1. Smash the fruit and dump it, and the contents of the can of fruit cocktail, into a plastic bag. Add water and heat under hot running water until steaming. Wrap the bag in a towel or other insulate, then put it away for two full days.

2. Add the ketchup and sugar, and warm until steaming. Wrap bag in towel and let sit for three days. Gas will develop as a byproduct, so be careful that your Pruno bag does not burst.

3. After the three day wait, heat the Pruno bag once per day for an additional three days.

4. On the eighth day, strain liquid from the bag and serve. Mmm-mmm!

For more information:

Recipe for Prison Pruno, a poem by Jarvis Masters

Prison Wine at The Sneeze!

Make Your Own Pruno at the Black Table

2006: The Menu

The Q'punga blog janitor discovered the following on the wall adjacent the urinals in the foruth floor bathrooms, written in either blood, cherry cough syrrup, or both. This is the drink list from Qanimaliqpunga II: Electric Bugaloo, held at Hooligan’s over the weekend of March 3-5, 2006. As always, fourteen speciality drinks were required, with six additional drinks required from the "Wildcards" section.

The Specialty Drink Canon (14)

• Alabama Slammer: Hiram Walker Amaretto, Southern Comfort, sloe gin and orange juice.
• Bomb Pop: Stoli Razberi Vodka with lemonade and cranberry juice.
• Hooli-Cane: Three types of rum, Hiram Walker Triple Sec, Southern Comfort, and four varieties of juices.
• KiKi Colada: Key Lime Rum with pineapple juice and coconut milk.
• The Fresh Mango Colada: (New!) Malibu Mango Rum blended with pineapple juice, coconut milk and fresh sliced mango
• Bahama Mama: Captain Morgan, Myer’s Dark Rum, Bacardi Rum, orange juice and coconut milk
• French Lemonade: Stolichnaya Vodka, Chambord and lemonade.
• Pina Colada: (New!) Malibu Coconut Rum, coconut milk and pineapple juice
• Malibu Breeze: Malibu Rum and Chambord with cranberry and orange juices.
• Sex On The Beach: Hiram Walker Peach Schnapps, vodka and Chambord with orange and cranberry juices.
• Strawberry or Raspberry Daiquiri (New!)
• Mojito: (New!) Light rum mulled with sugar; fresh mint and lime finished with a lemon-lime soda
• Strawberry or Raspberry Margarita
• Mai Tai: Hiram Walker Triple Sec, light rum, Myer’s Dark Rum, sweet & sour, grenadine and pineapple juice.

Wildcards (6)

Iced Teas
Long Beach Tea
Raspberry Iced Tea
The Hawaiian
The Polynesian
Long Island Tea

Ice Cream Drinks
Chocolate Orgasm
Godiva Chocolate Berry
After Dinner Mint
Brandy Alexander
Grasshopper
Frozen Turtle

Hot Drinks
Jamaican Coffee
Keoki Coffee
Nutty Irishman
Royal Mug
Hot Spiced Cider
Myer’s & Cider
Hot Buttered Rum
Almond Jordan
Peppermint Patty
Chocolate Covered Cherry
Hot Turtle
Irish Coffee
J.F.K. Special

Martinis
Bloody Martini
Pink Panther Martini
Chocolate Martini
Cosmopolitan
Melon Ball Martini
Dirty Girl Scout
Mocha Martini
Razzmatini
Hot & Dirty Martini
Apple Martini
French Kiss
Oh So Nutty Martini
Sweet & Tart Martini
Funky Monkey
Berry Pleasure

Retired Specialty Drinks since 2005: Blue Mambo (———), Coconut Colada (——), Island Paradise (——), Tres Grande Margarita (—).

Fuzzy Navel Gazing

John Lennon famously said that "Life is what happens while you're making other plans," and as with most of Lennon's sayings, this is also true of Qanimaliqpunga.

I ask you, friends: what has happened to "Journey Through the Cow"? Whither "Beer Bingo"? Why no "Taco Ticker" or Wikipedia projects? Is it really only technology that keeps us from cloning Joel for the thrill of the hunt?

Why haven't we ever instituted these other projects, when the vile and hated Qanimaliqpunga is entering its third year? Is it only because those other ideas are "good" ones (particularly the hunting of Joel) where Q'punga is an awful, horrendous, and very bad idea?

Are we as a group -- or as a nation, or as a species -- only capable of putting our bad ideas into practice?

Also: Awwww.

2006: A Look Back

The following review of 2006's event appeared in early March of last year on an entirely different blog.

Well, Qanimaliqpunga 2006 has come and gone, and with it the first weekend of March. Like the month of March itself, Qanimaliqpunga creeps in like a mouse and goes out like some sort of horrible vomiting lion. It's too early, of course, to assess the relative success or failure of this year's event, but given that it's two days later and everyone is still a little sick, signs point towards "rousing success." I know the combination ice cream headache/sucrose overdose/martini buzz was far different from the effects I felt after the second day of the 2005 event.

The 2006 Malibu Rum 'Qpungie Awards

• The University of Lawsonomy Award for the Strong Start: Jon, who drank five girl drinks in half an hour.
• The Tonya Harding Award for Good Sportsmanship: Al, who graciously allowed me to "win" the competition.
• The Full Metal Jacket Award for the Apt Analogy: Mick, who proclaimed that the Bahama Mama "tastes like bananas and ass."
• The Kathy Bates in Misery Award for Team Spirit: Robin, Kirsten, and Erin, who failed to stop any of this.
• The Good Alibi Award for Common Sense and Avoidance: Audrey

Ultimately, to paraphrase a poor-taste internet quip, finishing Qanimaliqpunga is like competing in the Special Olympics; even if you win, you're still retarded.

Useful Inuktitut phrases in the wake of Qanimaliqpunga:

Taqqavunga: "I have had enough of whatever we are doing"
Naanguvunga: "I have a pain in my belly"
Angirraqsiqpunga: "I want to go home"
Avinganik takujumavunga: "I want to see lemmings"
Qimmit patamajugungnarpara?: "Is it OK to touch or slap your dogs?"
Qanapavqiqissa: "If it's not too much trouble, please assure that the bartender has included pineapple juice in the Mai Tai cocktail I am being forced to drink"(*)

You know, early March is probably the wrong time to swear off green-colored booze.

(*) I made this up.

2005: The Menu

The staff archivist recently found the following document underneath the file cabinets in her windowless basement office. We believe it to be the "menu" (or list of acceptable torture methods) from the first annual Q'punga, held at Hooligan’s over the weekend of February 25-27, 2005. Fourteen speciality drinks were required, with six additional drinks required from the "Wildcards" section.

The Specialty Drink Canon (14)

• Alabama Slammer: Hiram Walker Amaretto, Southern Comfort, sloe gin and orange juice.
• Bomb Pop: Stoli Razberi Vodka with lemonade and cranberry juice.
• Hooli-Cane: Three types of rum, Hiram Walker Triple Sec, Southern Comfort, and four varieties of juices.
• KiKi Colada: Key Lime Rum with pineapple juice and coconut milk.
• Blue Mambo: Malibu Coconut Rum, Hiram Walker Blue Curacao, sweet & sour, lemon juice and coconut milk.
• Bahama Mama: Captain Morgan, Myer’s Dark Rum, Bacardi Rum, orange juice and coconut milk
• French Lemonade: Stolichnaya Vodka, Chambord and lemonade.
• Coconut Colada: Malibu Rum, coconut milk and pineapple juice.
• Malibu Breeze: Malibu Rum and Chambord with cranberry and orange juices.
• Sex On The Beach: Hiram Walker Peach Schnapps, vodka and Chambord with orange and cranberry juices.
• Island Paradise: Malibu Pineapple Rum, Malibu Mango Rum, Hiram Walker Banana Liqueur, pineapple juice and coconut milk.
• Tres Grande Margarita: Sauza Tres Generaciones Tequila with Gran Gala Triple Orange Liqueur.
• Strawberry or Raspberry Margarita
• Mai Tai: Hiram Walker Triple Sec, light rum, Myer’s Dark Rum, sweet & sour, grenadine and pineapple juice.

Wildcards (6)

Iced Teas

• Long Beach Tea
• The Jamaican
• The Hawaiian
• The Polynesian
• Purple Haze
• Deep BlueRaspberry Iced Tea

Ice Cream Drinks

• Chocolate Orgasm
• Blue Voodoo
• After Dinner Mint
• Frozen Turtle

Hot Drinks

• Almond Jordan
• Alpine Mint
• Chocolate Covered Cherry
• Double Dip Chocolate
• Hot Turtle
• Irish Coffee
• J.F.K. Special
• Jamaican Coffee
• Keoki Coffee
• Myer’s & Cider
• Nutty Irishman
• Royal Mug

Martinis

• Cosmopolitan
• Bloody Martini
• Chocolate Cherry Tini
• Root Beer Float Martini
• Chocolate Martini
• Melon Ball Martini
• Dirty Girl Scout
• Mocha Martini
• Razzmatini
• Hot & Dirty Martini
• Apple Martini
• Funky Monkey
• Berry Pleasure